Think
by bestdressed
Summary: Love Kills.


**Think**   
  
I do it before I even know what I'm doing. I do it without hesitation, giving myself a time limit on how long I have to do the things I so desperately need to do.  
  
If I could just close my eyes and pretend that these feelings were not mine, I'd keep my eyes open forever. Even though this secret...obsession makes me angry and sad and altogether confused, on top of it all, it makes me happy just to think about you. To say your name out loud when I know no one is listening.  
  
Sometimes I think about telling you what I think. I think about voicing all the thoughts - fantasies about you that build up in my mind relentlessly. After I think about that, I think about you hating me, about my friends hating me, about dying and the world hating the thought of me. I couldn't tell you. You would think I was crazy.  
  
I guess that's where this problem originates from. People thinking too much and feeling too little. I think about you, I think about talking to you, you would think about how to react to me, you would think about what is right and what is wrong. And that really is the problem, thinking. People spend too much time thinking about who it is and isn't okay to love.  
  
I love you, and I don't even have to think about it.  
  
If I said these words out loud, you would hate me, I would hate me. So much about hate, but more about love.  
  
"Hey Malfoy. You're so much quieter when you're alone. Why is that? Can you only speak when you have your bodyguards near you?" That voice. That voice that reaches down from my brain and into my heart, pulling on every string possible, and I wish that you would speak again, even if it's only to insult me.   
  
It's not even worth responding to. Why fight back and keep up the charade when I already know what I must do? My lying now would only confuse him in the end.  
  
Him in all his perfection stared at me, waiting for an answer. He eyed me slowly, unsure if he should ask if I'm alright, to egg me on further or to just drop it. I can't lie to him. I can't lie to perfection.  
  
Back the first day I met him I knew. I knew he was the one I wanted. Things like this you just know. When you know for certain that the person standing in front of you is a person you want to get to know, a person who you want to get to know you, and soon, eventually, it turns into more than that. Even if that person doesn't show the slightest inkling of caring at all.  
  
It's difficult to hurt the person you care the most about. It's also difficult to be caught between wanting to love them with every fiber of your being and wanting to stay as far away from them as possible.  
  
I heard once, someone saying that if you kept something you felt strongly a secret that it meant you were ashamed and that it wasn't a proper feeling. That has got to be untrue. I'm not ashamed. If I was with you I would let everyone know, and I would NOT be ashamed. I'd be ecstatic. I'd have everything. I'd have you.  
  
But I know now. I know that I can't have you. I know that I can never have you. I know that I can never have more than my insatiable desire to hold you in my arms and to have you hold me back. I'll say what I have to say, and I don't ever want to know the outcome.   
  
"Malfoy? Are you alright?" It amazes me how you can be so caring when you shouldn't be. I say the thing that has been running through my mind for God knows how long. I stumble forward and feel the images around me blurring  
  
"No. But I will be" and I kiss you. I don't kiss you the way I dreamed of kissing you because in my dreams your lips weren't real and neither was the hair between my fingers. I kiss you as hard as I can. The last kiss.  
  
It was blissful and terrifying all at the same time and the same thought ran through my brain in a marquee.  
  
I'm kissing Harry Potter  
  
Harry Potter is going to kiss me to death.  
  
I step back and look at you. You're confused. Just as I thought you'd be. You wipe your lips with the back of your hand and stare at me with a look that says too much, too late.  
  
"What-What was that?" You ask me.  
  
That was me, loving you. Remember that. Remember that I died on your lips...and I lived around them.  
  
Hey Kids...didn't know how to end it. Draco did die...but I didn't want to say that Harry was kissing a dead guy. That's creepy. I wrote this after listening to arguments about homosexuals. People, think before you act. These people, for the most part, aren't choosing their paths, they're walking them and throwing sticks at them as they do so doesn't do much but ruin their lives and stop your own. Enjoy your life, let others enjoy theirs. Live and let live. Just be nice, the world would be so much better off. - Jadyn 


End file.
